22 March, l968
As it turned out, Johnny would visit Jills room off and on during the following weeks. And that strange woman that left the Belmonts room brought along another woman, and on occasion, hed catch her on her way down the steps and invite her into his room, although shed had preferred Jill, so she said.
Tasma was not aware of most of this, but a little. Also, she had received at this time several letters from home by her parents, in particular her father, but she did not respond back. She was not certain what to say, she loved them, and Jill assured them she was fine, but it was too stressful for her to talk or write them. She did have a profound desire to please her father, and wishful thinking to please her mother, but it seemed she needed to learn how to please herself first, and to Jill, she did not blame them for anything, not anymore anyway. And had she started a communicational dialogue, they may have persuaded her to return, the one thing she did not want at this time.
Jill was in the kitchenthe ironing board was pulled out from an inner-cabinet built into the wall, a wall-unite if you will, it was kept snugly in, in which there was a door attached to it; Jill was ironing Tommy and Johnnys cloths, another lover circle had stared. Both were arranged in separate piles. Mrs. Belmont was sitting at the table talking seriously to her; it was most unusual thought Tasma, for seldom did she see Mrs. Belmont other than at the bar talking to Jill. As Tasma neared them to join them, the subjectwhatever it waschanged, and what appeared on Mrs. Belmonts face was an un-cheerful smile, not unusual, but quite sudden, and it was apparent. Consequently, feeling a little awkward she left the kitchen to work on her diary-novel (some poems), in the living room in her usual spot; in effect, she could overhear bits and pieces now of their conversation. It didnt occur to her to get up and leave, rather the opposite; she a ctually pretended to be busy writing and was simply drawing a picture undiscernibly.
Its been going on for a while mom, I didnt think it was, I mean it would end up like this.
Get rid of him, or all of them.
No, no, I dont think Johnny will go so easy. He likes me, and thinks he can have me, and he has me of course.
What about Tommy?
I like him, I like him a lot, but thats the problem, I dont love him, I just like him.
Hes what you need though. Hes more anchored.
[With scorn What the hell does anchored mean! said Jill.
Ok, ok, I could have used a better term, Tommy likes to work and go to school, hell be somebody someday.
Tommy doesnt pay you a dime; Johnny does and Johnny works hard.
Yes, he works hard all right, hard at drinking, screwing you and god knows who elsesmoking that weed.
So Tommy was screwing me and working.
Youre going to lose him to that cousin of yours if you dont hang on to him.
T asma, she looked at Tasma reading, you got to be kidding, shes as nave as a sparrow.
So you say: does a pineapple come from a pine tree?
No, said Jill apprehensive, now what does that mean?
Shes not the little girl she was three, four months ago, or is it five or more? She has a good shape, and pretty face, and if Tommy cant see it, I can. And so can a lot of men at the bar. Anyhow, Tasma is not the issue, Johnny and Tommy are.
(A long pause came, then with a cracking voice, and an almost whisper, she leaned over to her mother, and Tasma leaned over the arm of her chair): I think Im pregnant
Ay caramba, she said in a sigh that slurred all the way to Tasmas ears, now what?
Its Johnnys, not Tommys, Tommy uses a rubber, and Johnny thinks it is not manly to do so. It was momentarily hard for Jill to look her mother in the face; she was at this time, pacing the floor in a small circle as her mother followed her with her eyes.
Listen Jil l, Johnnys drinking with all the gang members at the bar, and hes gambling, its just a matter of time before he gets in trouble with them. (Some of the gang members had motorcycles, others cars, it was somewhat an unofficial bunch of criminals, in that they were but twenty of them that hung out at a number of bars).
23 Shant be a Minute
Tasma found herself walking upstairs to her room, it was quieter in the kitchen, and figured, she had heard enough, a voice said, Where are you going? it was Jill, polite but to the point.
Shant be a moment, was her answer. She wanted to tuck away her diary-novel, she had written some exposing things in it. And so she tucked away, under her pillow, as if it was safe, and her place was off limits to others, which in presumption it seemed to be. For the most part, she did not want to leave it laying about for someone to pick up accidentally.
Life had seemed uncomplicated she thought, and now with Jills mother it seemed somewhat speculative, if not downright disjointed. It had now crossed her mind Tommy would find out the secret, the secret being Johnnys behavior and her being pregnant, or so she said she was, and I know about it, she felt as if she was a betrayer, be it to Jill or Tommy, or even Johnny. Down the stairway, into the living room she went. She looked outside through the bay-window and there was Mrs. Alice Whitehead getting into the car, she looked at Tasma, Tasma waved at her, she was a nice old lady, and it always seemed to her she had concern on her face for her.
As she turned around looking towards the kitchen she noticed Mrs. Belmont sorting out bills: I suppose shes done talking to Jill now, was her thinking.
I talked to your mother a few days ago Tasma, shes doing well and I told her likewise, you were doing well. Tasma simply made a polite gesture, no verbal adjectives.
I want to do something today, a surprise, come with me, asked Tasma, for some odd reason something had popped into her head.
What, may I ask, is on that devious mind of yours? laughed Jill.
Tasma and Jill were gone for several hours, and arrived back home at about 6:00 PM. Johnny and Tommy were sitting in the living room watching TV. As they both walked into the house, both the boys were somewhat taken back a bit at Tasmas appearanceif not down right, star-struck. Her long reddish hair was cut to where it reached only the nape of her neck. And she was wearing more makeup than she had before, the result: she looked a little fresher and less school-girlish, than before. Thought Tommy, before she seemed more delicate and fragile.., as he glanced at the poise she displayed as she smiled and stood in the middle of the room awaiting the verdict of the two young throbbing hearts, the heart breakers themselves. Johnny noticed her slender bones, and her nicely shaped neck was more defined (front and back). Tommy for some reason noticed her neatly-set breasts, small as they werejust above her small waist they were a hand full no more. Yet her slyness somewhat removed, still left her with a harmless effect. Her nervousness was repressed for the most part.
Along with all that, with all the money she had saved up, she also purchased some bath salts, talcum powder and a small mirror, which she duplicated for Jill as a gift for allowing her to stay. She had spent her $100-dollars she had saved.
For some odd reason, Tasma had glanced back into the kitchen, expecting to see Mrs. Belmont, but of course was not surprised when she was not there, she usually would go to the bar around this time, either she had missed her, or she was in her room preparing to go. The boys looked at one another in jest, and laughed.
Said Johnny with his normal side joking way, So now youve grown up, welcome to the real world kid, looks like youre willing to join us.
Tasma knew Johnnys ways and knew that was better left alone.
It makes you feel good, commented Jill; meaning spending money on oneself for preservation purposes, or simply for a change in ones life. But there was concern in Jills unseen eyes, in her cerebellum. She was no psychologist, like Skinner or Pavlov with his salivating dogs (who worked on association), but the boys were kind of salivating, restlessly slobbering might be a better way of putting it, if not downright uneasy, with this new Tasma look.
Everyone had gone to bed now, it was Jills turn to sit downstairs in the sofa-chair for once, wondering, thinking, not sure of her next move. I just dont get it, she asked herself, why am I so attracted to Johnny, and going with Tommy? Tasma wouldnt have the answer even if I asked her, nor mom, facts are facts, feelings are feelings, I dont sense they are neither right or wrong, they just are. Johnny makes love as if he was a mad man and seems almost barbaric, and I think of him when I make love to Tommyi ts just unthinkable. I wonder how Tommys new book will turn out. Can you love two people at once, at one time? A good question; I think I do, or maybe it is lust, how do I know, Im just(pause) will be nineteen in a month. Mom said: love is a choice. I say love is a feeling. I wonder what Tasma would say. I know Tommy feels love through his penis, like Johnny, all men do, kind of, sort ofmost of the time; but Tommy is more willing to be dedicated, I think. I have learned men are attracted by looking, but I like touch.
On her way to her bedroom, she stopped at Tasmas room, knocked lightly, Can I come in just for a moment? she asked.
Why sure you can, answered Tasma with a thoughtful voice.
I had a great day with you today, and thanks again for the things you bought me (this was a good lead-in she thought to bait her for a question to be soon asked), but I have a question, somehow I think youre going to oversimplify the answer but Ill ask it anyhow. How do y ou know if youre in love with a person?
Surprisingly, Tasma answered Jill with foreknowledge, You mean you are having a hard time trying to figure who you want, Tommy or Johnny?
(A tight look went over Jills face.) Yes, yes, that is where Im coming from; I didnt know it was so obvious.
Its becoming obvious Jill, it was the first day Johnny came through the door, and it has progressively taken a greater shape to it. But in regards to your answer, Ive never been in love so I might be the wrong person to ask, but I do know this, as simple as it may be: if I wanted to go out with Johnny, I couldnt be in love with Tommythat much. I mean, Id think whoever you were in love withyoud not want to go out with anyone else; youd kind of want to stop shopping around for another person, or so I believe. If I was to get married, Id not want to go out with anyone else: and if I did, Id know that I was not ready for marriage, to him or anyone, if that makes any sense.
But to Jill it made all the sense in the world. She was sleeping with Tommy at night, and wanted to be with Johnny.
What do you think I should do? asked Jill.
I think you already know; I dont think I need to say anymore. My heart is with you, no matter what the outcome is. Then Tasma hugged her tightly.
24 Reset
As the next two weeks passed a kind of silence took over the house, people talked less to one another, I suppose you could say, Jill was the life of the house, and now she was deep in thought. Everyone tried to keep busy and pretend things were normal, but they of course knew they were not. The Belmonts kept their normal schedule, and the pretense lingered.
Tasma had finished up with Tommys book on San Francisco, and had explained to him how she liked the ending of Bustling, by his fake name Colleen Grant; she commented to Tommy: The younger woman fell in love with the older man, but she had psychological issues, and she was too fragile for him to care for her emotional illness, and he was too sick biologically for her to care for him. It was a sad ending I thought, but had they married: love would not have been enough, as they wished, theyd both had ruined the life of the other. Yet they remained friends as they parted, matter of fact they remained friends until he died at the age of eighty-years old, and her, at eighty-two. She then read a poem she was working on for him: I havent put it in my book or diary yet, but here it is Ill read it to you from the paper (Tommy sat inquisitively on the edge of her bed):
The Maiden from Seattle
When she walked into the light
The door to life, grew black as
Night,
And her earth began to swell
(This youthful beauty of Seattle);
At first glance
Fell this youth from high
Aching to touch the morning sky.
Who dare take this maidens hand?
To help her though this silent land!
Ah! From hair, to heart, to br east:
Like faded flowers in the ground
Fleshless alms, could not be found,
And so she remainsbound!
Said Tommy in surprise, I like it, I think a little or maybe a lot of you is in the poem; I think youre going to be a Mrs. Plath, or Dickinson some day.
The following day Tommy had come into Tasmas room unexpectantly, Are you still writing your story? he asked.
She looked at Tommy, Just some poems, and dairy notes, really havent gotten into the plot or theme of anything in particular yet; not sure how to get it going.
Let me see, maybe I can help you he said. Yet Tasma was still bewildered of his rudeness to just kind of enter at will; she liked him and didnt want to scare him away, on the other hand, she was not going to join any love-circle.
She leaped quickly to her pillow, then it dawned on her, she had much information in it about Johnny, Jill, Tommy and, none other but the: The Lady in Black, as she referred to her in the diar y. But had she not jumped, she thought afterwards, had she not jumped shed had not given away her hiding place, although it was no vault for sureI mean, a mouse could have found it had it looked for it.
I, I have too many personal things in it, private things, Id rather you not see, said Tasma as she currently held the book in the middle of her chest; as she got off the bed with her one knee, fully turning about now, she tripped on her shoe and the book fell, Tommy quickly grabbed it and opened it. Tasma saw him reading it, and needed to do something quick, she grabbed it out of his hands and jumped on the bed, her dress flying above her waist showing her underwear and all.
Somehow Tommy found the child in him, and jumped on her bed trying to grab the diary from her as they rolled around in the bed; now Tommy hovering over her, his legs between hers.
What are you two up to? questioned a voice in the background, it was Jill: she had heard the ruckus.
My fault, I was trying to get her diary from her, I started to read something quite interesting, he looked at Jill halfheartedly. Had he gone back any farther, thought Tasma: The Lady in Black was there.
Jill looked at Tasma in an indefatigably way, I see I wasnt invited to the partyand slipped off to her bedroom where she just looked out the window aimlessly. In a way it didnt bother her about what shed seen, but on the other hand, she was jealous. When Tommy left the bedroom to join Jill he didnt know whose child it was; he had only read up to I overheard her say to her mother she was pregnant today by. He could not ask Tasma to betray Jill, it would be too much to ask, if anything, Jill might be betraying him, it was indicative of her.
In the following days, Tasma noticed Tommy and Jill fought quite a lot; and Tommy was not a person to be irritated easily, it must be that she was leading Tommy to believe it could be his child, Tasma thought. Then one evening she noticed Tommy sleeping on the coach, and Johnny still remaining in his bedroom.
During this interval, Johnny entertained himself in his bedroom, hoping Tommy and Jill would sort things outthus he remained in kind of a queue, waiting for Jills signal to return, somehow he had come to that conclusion she would. He found himself pacing the floor at night, saying, I wish, whatsitsname, would and never ended the sentence.
I must make this awkward at this point, his mind broke off the subject of Jill and Tommy after the first week, his insides became external. He looked at himself, pretending he was not feeling this serge; he had not guessed at this until it engulfed him, there was stern on his faceand, toil in his hand. A cold shower might work he thought, but it was too far away. He felt he was on a fast run; he hardened his body like a weightlifter, a boxer ready to take a punch.
This lasted two weeks, finally an agreement came about, Jill would sleep wi th Johnny, and Tommy would sleep in Johnnys room, and in due time Tommy would have to leave, approximately in a few months, considering once she started to show it would only provoke issues within the household, or so she felt. The real problem was that Johnny did not have the heart to tell Jill he liked the way things were, and he really liked Lorie to a higher degree. He wanted his sex, but could find it elsewhere if need be, now hed have to resort to living in her bedroom, and his alone time would be altered. In addition, Lorie was somewhat out of the picture for he had not seen her in weeks as he waited for this all to settle, but hed see her again is what he was planning. Again, everything seemed in the air now. But to resist the plan would be too premature at the moment he deliberated out.
In spite of the tension, things appeared to move about on a regular base for a few more weeks. However, Johnny was starting to hang out with the gang more often now, with t heir motorcycles, and customized old cars. He was doing a lot more drinking and gambling with the gang members. They had even stopped on a few occasions at Jills house looking for Johnny, taking pains to find him, going out of their way it would seem. It came to her attention; Johnny owed them money, how much it wasnt said (but it was close to $6,000-dollars). Theyd not go to his work; it was one thing the groups forbid: that being, to endanger a mans livelihood was not being a man at all. They could do almost anything else, even kill you, but not jeopardize your job: that was considered a low blow.
Out of nervousness, Tasma started to keep her distance from the group at the bar, if she could, she would have vanished into thin air.
See Dennis' web site: http://dennissiluk.tripod.com
Author:: Dennis Siluk
Keywords:: Chapters
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