Fantasy Time The Dream of the Big Audience

I have been working on a couple of idea pieces, and then a couple of blogs, all day long. I have worked on tiny details, made minor adjustments here or there. Just one improvement more. And just one more improvement. Add this link. Add that. Delete that reference. Make the reference clearer.

What is the fantasy that keeps me going?

Because if the writing were just for me, none of this would matter. What does it matter if the link works, if I am the only one who will ever click on it?

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I know the fantasy - it's the dream of the big audience.

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I don't gamble - for me, it's a waste of whatever money one puts into it.

But I am held by this other fantasy - that there will be an audience out there.

Over and over in my life, it hasn't worked out. But over and over I am gripped.

I wrote a film script at twelve - with the dream of making it onto the big screen.

I got my sister and a couple of her friends to rehears e for months because of the fantasy. So much time and effort - including my mother making costumes. In the end the play, Up North Before Christmas, was put on long after Christmas. One performance, in the basement of friends of my parents. I still remember the space, what we wore - and how scary it was, performing (though it was my sister who had the biggest role and got the biggest laughs).

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I've been a college teacher for a long time now - one of the lucky ones, as teaching gives me a lot.

I'm grateful for my teaching - because there I do reach students.

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But right now, for the past few months I've been developing a site for my creatiive works, and for the works of others. It's the latest attempt to make the fantasy real. Each time I hope that this time, I have it right, or that this time I get lucky, that swomehow or other this time I will get to be an insider. This time, a publisher will pick up a book - like two publishers almost p icked up The Fluffers Book. This time, I will get a grant from Canada Council, the big arts funding agency in Canada. But I haven't gotten even one grant from them, though I applied over and over for years, and lots of you almost made it comments (and also you didn't come close comments on other applications).

Long ago I did get one big grant (an Opportunities for Youth grant), half of what I asked for. That one grant gave me more experience getting a major creative project together than anything else. That one grant didn't get me all the way - to an audience. I could not even complete that project (half the funding couldn't be stretched to go all the way) though I put a huge amount of time and effort into it.

And still I am trying.

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How important is the fantasy, the belief, the hope?

I don't know what I would do without it.

I know that I am less fearful than ever before.

I know I don't keep trying all the time. I take time out, years even. And other things take over, need to be taken care of.

And this time around, I can see there's a lot I have pulled together over the past three months, since I started working on the site. I know more. I can do more.

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But back to the fantasy.

It's so powerful, this hope, belief, fantasy - the same thing that drives a gambler to keep on going, the researcher to keep on looking, the explorer lost in the arctic wastes to keep on and on and on instead of giving up. Strange the mix - the dangerous addiction and the route to survival and success.

Anyway, I am not giving up. That I know. Because for one thing, I cannot believe it is only a fantasy that there just may be an audience. I believe there is a hope, a possibility, a chance that I will get where I long to be - to be heard by enough people to feel satisfaction.

So I have spent the day working. And right now I am feeling one of the strongest supports - my own belief in somet hing that has not come true through I have kept hoping, something I still have not given up on.

As always, welcome into my world.

signed,

Elsa,

September 3, 2006

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http://www.elsas-word-story-image-idea-music-emporium.com/ words-music-cant-cross-the-gap.html - for a word piece exploring the sense that I just can't get over the gap. So there isn't only the fantasy of the big audience there is the opposite sense as well, at times that I will never reach over the gap between my longing and what I long for.

http://www.elsas-word-story-image-idea-music-emporium.com/ words-music-who-is-this-person-i-call-me.html - for an word piece / song wondering Who Is This Person I Call Me? will there be glory, will the day be boring, who is this person I call me. So many changes and so many sides to oneself.

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Elsa - prof, writer, visual artist, thinker, performer. Love life, thinking, creating, doing, reaching. All my life, crea tivity has played an enormous part. The magic of story, music, songs, imagining. Also, the magic of thinking well, creatively. Lots on my website: ideas, music, images, preteen novel, spoken word pieces, creativity blog. Soon space for others to upload as well.

Website: http://elsas-word-story-image-idea-music-emporium.com

For many forms of creativity - creativity blog, preteen story, lots of songs, lots of words to vgo with music, and creative thinking. Also, soon, space for your creativity as well as mine - in a virtual cafe, Zee's Cafe Cafe. Words, stories, images, ideas, music, spoken word, dreamweaving, a creativity blog, and more.

Author:: Elsa Schieder
Keywords:: Hollywood blockbuster success, huge breakthrough big audience applause, critical acclaim bestseller
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